the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
