I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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