so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
