you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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