if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
