I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
