If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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