I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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