dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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