When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
