remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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