It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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