on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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