Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
