3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
