my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
