Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
