Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
