I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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