did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Randomize
