He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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