Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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