OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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