Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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