if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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