Hey man sorry I got all grabby
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
