i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
