I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
