just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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