I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Tornado booty call.. dedication
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
