i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Randomize
