just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
