we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
