I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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