Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
