in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
