Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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