I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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