If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
