Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
