I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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