Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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