why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
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