My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
