theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
