I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
