Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
