How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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