Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
