I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
