Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
