Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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