We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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