you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
