He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
